i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
