Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
