he wants to bone in the snuggie
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize