There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
i've created a new STD.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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