If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I can't turn off my feet"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
