Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
