dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
