So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
