my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize