If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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