I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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