I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
