i always forget guys have bellybuttons
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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