In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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