This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
