I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
