he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
