I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
