hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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