your parents love me but you hate me
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
