I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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