believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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