No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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