i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
