Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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