Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
