I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
