i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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