I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
