You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
