Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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