2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
