I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
