When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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