Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You were trust falling into bushes
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
