I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
People in love make me want to vomit
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
