my vag is so smooth its legendary
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
