Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
