How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
