I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
