found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
