Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize