Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
