I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
