The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
