I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
