Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
