youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
