the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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