I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
