I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
