I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
