This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize