Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
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