dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
