I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
