i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
