I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
