i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
