Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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