I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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