There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
