Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
